


The Completely True And Accurate Tale of Emperor Byerly Vorrutyer.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: 2013 Trope Bingo, Alternate Universe - Crack, Gregor Vorbarra: Epic Troll, More Crack Than You Can Shake A Scepter At, No Fourth Wall, Self-Aware Narrative, Time Period: Reign of Byerly Vorrutyer, Time Period: Reign of Gregor Vorbarra, Trope: Game Night, Unreliable Everything, Unreliable Narrator, Why You Should Not RP With Emperors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How I ended up becoming the Emperor, as told by Byerly Vorrutyer, who was completely sober at the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Completely True And Accurate Tale of Emperor Byerly Vorrutyer.

**Author's Note:**

> For 2013 Trope Bingo. Trope: Game Night. [Relevant comment thread](http://thatyourefuse.dreamwidth.org/334753.html?thread=1361057#cmt1361057).

See, the thing is, Byerly Vorrutyer didn't want to be Emperor. Too much responsibility, too little opportunities for no-repercussions drinking. The Emperor's word is law, so just imagine what happens when the Emperor gets drunk.

No, don't imagine. It's filed under "Emperor Yuri" in the history books. Look it up.

But the point remains, Byerly Vorrutyer should never have been Emperor and in any sensible AU, he never would be. But this is not a sensible AU. This is the land of crack and whatever it is that goes beyond crack and out the other side. This, my friends, is Barrayar, where crack has its own oath relationships and feudal overlords.

Now, how Byerly ever ended up in this sorry Emperoring business, that's a story in and of itself. It had something to do with a Secret Relationship, or possibly Game Night.

Yes, let's go with Game Night.

Because the Emperor -- that's Gregor Vorbarra, not Byerly Vorrutyer, do keep up -- has instituted weekly poker nights, which is what he calls it whenever he has to tell anyone about it. But it's really Dungeons and Dragons.

Or, rather, the Barrayaran version, which has rather more dungeons and rather fewer dragons. (Because mutants.)

It's a role playing game, and one day, they ended up playing the one where someone has to be Emperor. And Gregor said, naturally, "NOT IT."

Ivan, who was drunk at the time (but how is that any different from usual, Byerly asks you), decided to volunteer, "oh, Byerly will do it."

All eyes turned to Byerly.

"Good idea, Ivan," Gregor says, because his word is law, that little shit. 

So Byerly role-played the Emperor. And there was much rejoicing. But not Byerly, you understand. Byerly was not rejoicing in the slightest.

And then the next day, Gregor Damn Him All To Hell Vorbarra abdicated in favor of Byerly Vorrutyer, who did not see this coming and thought his hangover was playing jokes on him right until the first time someone tried to kill him. (Because Barrayar.)

And then there wasn't much rejoicing, and Byerly is going to find Gregor, dig his nails off of whatever rock he's clinging to, and then abdicate BACK. And then never, ever, ever, EVER, accept gaming invitations from anyone whose name starts with Vor.

Byerly needs new friends. Better friends. Friends who will not saddle him with an Imperium and then run off. Why couldn't this be Accidental Baby Acquisition? Byerly knows exactly what to do with accidental babies. He has no idea what to do with an Imperium. You can't exactly burp it. Byerly would like to lodge a complaint with the Dungeon Master.

Who is Gregor, of course.

Byerly's life sucks. He definitely needs better friends.

Because he knows, he just knows, that Gregor, damn him all the more to hell, is laughing constantly because he is a TROLL, okay, he is nothing but a TROLL. Let's see what happens, my inbred arse. Gregor is the kind of Emperor who would toss a Jacksonian clone and possible sleeper agent into the middle of ImpSec and give him access to secret files. OH WAIT THAT HAPPENED.

So Byerly's point is made for him, and he feels completely justified in feeling superior. Byerly might have stabbed his enemies in the back and/or turned them over to ImpSec to have the stabbing done for him, but at least he wasn't playing mind games with them first. A man has to have his limits, and Gregor Vorbarra is practically Vorrutyer, what with the way he plays games with his Imperium.

No wonder Gregor likes RPGs. Byerly feels perfectly justified in feeling superior. Why couldn't Gregor play chess like any normal mad Emperor? There are a lot of great chess metaphors. What there aren't, though, is what you call it when the Emperor puts the metaphorical crown on your not-metaphorical head and says "you can has crown!"

No, those weren't his exact words. Are you even listening? Oh, what's the point.

And this is why Gregor needs to COME BACK from his self-exile. Sexile? Whatever. Byerly is drunk, okay? Gregor, if you want your Imperium back the way you left it, you better get back before the hangover wears off, or we'll all be in an awful lot of trouble.

Gregor?

Gregor?

Gregor?

...This is very bad. This is a lot very bad.

So, tl;dr, Byerly ends up married to Ivan for the optics, but it's not like everyone didn't see this coming, and Byerly could do without the manic laughter coming from certain quarters, and he would like them to stop, please, and, hey, he has awesome Emperoring powers right now, so he can MAKE them stop if he damn well pleases, which he damn well does.

But he doesn't end up executing Miles Vorkosigan, because that would be a recipe for a collapsing souffle known as the worst idea ever. Byerly is too genre-savvy to try to kill the unkillable man. As Ivan is wont to reminisce possibly-fondly-but-possibly-not, Miles is quite difficult to kill. Byerly is taking a page from Gregor's book and keeping the little brat pointed in the right direction.

And that direction is _away_ from Ivan, because Byerly has seen the calculating way Miles looks at Ivan and he wants none of that. No one is getting Ivan in trouble but Byerly.

He's a very possessive Emperor that way.

"I thought you didn't want to be any kind of Emperor," Ivan points out.

"I'm letting the power go to my head," Byerly says.

Ivan pets him gently. "It's okay. Illyan found Gregor sunbathing somewhere in the Caribbean and he's bringing him back by the skin of his teeth. Our long national nightmare will soon be over."

"Yay," Byerly says and kisses his husband, because he can.

And it all ends in role playing games, where Byerly ceremoniously gives the not-metaphorical-this-time crown back to Gregor, who accepts it gingerly and with nothing at all aimed at his head, of course not.

"I could be on a beach," Gregor grumbles. "I was _getting a tan_. But, nooo, mad bad and dangerous to know Byerly Vorrutyer can't handle unlimited power. I've been doing this since I was _four_ , it is not that hard. We are not amused."

"Cry me a river, sire," Byerly says.

"I'm changing ImpSec's motto to living to serve mojitos," Gregor says, because his word is law even when he's sulking.

And Byerly and Ivan live happily ever after.


End file.
